Confessions from Crickets

Our Last Confession; or, Until We Meet Again

Unfortunately, we have some sad news to share with you. After three years of reflection, encouragement, and contemplation, Stephan and I (Cricket) have decided to bring Confessions from Crickets to a close.

We are both in very different places than we were when we started this blog. In 2018, Stephan was in the final year of his undergrad program; now, he has finished his Master’s degree in teaching and is already working with the Toronto District School Board as a supply teacher (please pray that God will help him find a stable place where he can be of use to those young minds). In 2018, I was in school at George Brown College for Child and Youth Care and had just met Kamal; now, I’m at work with Youth Unlimited beginning my vocational ministry, am back at school–Tyndale this time–for youth ministry, and Kamal and I are stronger than ever.

As you may have noticed over the past couple months, our new responsibilities have made it difficult for us to commit the time and energy to this project that we believe it deserves. This was a hard decision for the both of us make; nonetheless we thought retiring Confessions would be the best choice at the moment. We don’t know if the potential for revival is on the horizon or not (pun, considering our focus on resurrection and revival, not intended). What the future holds is, as always, all up to God.

To this day, we have released 35 blog posts. We want to take this time to thank you for journeying with us through these several years; your comments, shares, messages, and kind words have been legitimately instrumental in the life of this blog.

Please note that the blog and all we have written on it will remain available for your viewing, though in the next few weeks, we will be downgrading our domain, so in future, you can find it all at cfcarchive.wordpress.com.

Additionally, we’ve got some pretty exciting news, despite this somber occasion. Longtime readers will know that this blog was originally conceived of as a book, and that our long-term plan has been to collect our posts into a book. Well, we say, what is the end of the blog but a perfect opportunity to finally make that happen? The definitive compilation of all our posts, plus some additional writing, will be hitting the press this summer, so keep your eyes open.

Lastly, as this blog comes to a close, we’re excited to say that it is not without another door opening. I am happy to announce that I will be starting a new podcast called glorifyHim. It’s a project that I’ll be undertaking with the help of my friends Kiefer and Seth, both of whom I met at Tyndale–an ongoing conversation between three friends about faith and doing everything to glorify Jesus. Our goal for the podcast is, as the name suggests, to share God’s truth and to glorify him in all we do. We have a lot to talk about and are very excited for what God will do in and through this. The podcast will be launching this coming month, and if you’d like to support us, you can follow us on Instagram and all future avenues by going to linktr.ee/glorifyHim.

Now, before I leave you, I want to thank a couple people. I want to thank Kamal, my wonderful and beautiful girlfriend for all of her support and encouragement throughout these three years. I want to thank Stephan, my co-author and editor for this blog. His dedication, effort, and all the sleepless nights he committed to this team do not go unnoticed. The blog would not be what it is without him. Once more, I want to thank you, our dedicated readers and supporters; this blog has really been more than a blog to us, and that’s all because of you. Finally, I would like to thank God for giving me this opportunity to tell others about the amazing, wonderful things he has done in and through me.
For all this, thank you Jesus, Holy Spirit and Father. It has always been for you.

Thank you all for this journey. This isn’t goodbye–more like ‘until we meet again.’

Stay grateful,

Kirushanthan “Cricket” Krishnapillai

FACE MASK by Kirushanthan Krishnapillai

I feel like I’ve been wearing this face mask since long before this pandemic. Not only covering my mouth and nose but my whole face.

I feel like I’ve been wearing this face mask for years now. Covering my true identity from my family. Covering the person who God called me to be. Scared of other reactions, thoughts, emotions and feelings.

I felt like I live a double life, putting on my mask as soon as I got home. Not letting anyone see how my true face was. Living outside like how I want to live like inside.

Even though the face mask might look invisible.

Even after sharing my faith, I thought things would be different now but they aren’t.

But we’re back to the same routine. Lies after lies to my parents. All because I’m scared, nervous, anxious, overwhelmed.

These feelings sometimes lead into a dark valley. Which only God can get me out of.

I know what I need to do but for some reason I can’t do those things.

The face mask is nothing compared to God transformation. Anyone can see the transformation God has made in life. It’s whether we choose to see those good in people.

Although, this face mask is beginning to come unraveled by God. God has been giving me his courage to face the fears.

Blast from the Past: Seeking Hinduism, Finding Christianity”

We’ve got something a little bit different for you all today (hey, didn’t we say that last time?): the first video entry of Confessions from Crickets!

About two years ago, I was asked to speak at the somewhat confusingly-named Men’s Breakfast (confusing because it’s open to everyone) at my home church, St. Andrews Presbyterian Church, Scarborough. It had been about a year since Stephan and I had started this blog, so what we ended up doing was adapting one of our first posts, “Hinduism; or, the time I came to know Jesus,” into what became this presentation.

Looking back on it now, it’s really interesting how much my plans have changed in the time since. To me, it’s a great example of Proverbs 16:9— “The heart of man plans his way,/ but the LORD establishes his steps.” It’s also a great reminder that, if my heart is set on Christ, it doesn’t really matter where those steps go; I was excited with all the plans I’d laid in 2018, but I’m just as excited (if not more so!) of the plans I have ahead of me now. As long as God is walking with me, being my source of strength and courage, I’m ready for any challenge that comes my way.

But, without further ado, please sit back, relax, throw your mind back to a time when congregate settings were safe, and enjoy “Seeking Hinduism, Finding Jesus!”

Goodness Amidst the Suffering; or, Stories of Life

For this installation of Confessions from Crickets, I wanted to try something a bit different and write it more like a sermon. You’ll have to tell me if you notice any difference, but one thing that all sermons should have is a basis in scripture, so here’s today’s ‘readings:’

Before we start today, I’d like you to take a second to close your eyes and think about a time of trouble, struggle, or suffering in our own, out of which you were still able to find joy. For some of us, this will be easy; our rain is always followed by a rainbow. For others, it will be much harder. Nevertheless, we’re talking about suffering today, but moreover how God is able to bring light and life out of even these darkest times, so I figure we’d better start off on a good foot.

Have you got it? Good. Let’s get into this.

The word sufferings appears several times in both the Old Testament and New Testament. The word suffering occurs 55 times in the NIV translation, one of the more common translations. It’s something that we’re all familiar with, just as those who came before us were. We run from it, we try to avoid it, or we white-knuckle our way through it. But however you cut it, it hurts–sometimes beyond the words I can use here.

And yet, I still believe in a God who can raise dry bones and bring life out of death, and in the realm of suffering, I’ve seen my share of miracles.

For example, as many of you know, I have a learning disability. It’s a common enough thing, so if you don’t have one, you might assume it’s not that big a deal, but as someone who has been made to feel stupid, burdensome, and less than for most of my life, I can assure you it is.

Throughout elementary school and highschool I struggled with my writing and reading, but when I accepted Christ, I realized that I didn’t have to let the learning disability define me. Learning from this, I realized that God knew how I felt and was walking alongside me through this pain. In fact, writing my blog with my friend & editor Stephan has been an exercise in both worship and writing, and through it, my reading and writing has improved, and God has used this practice as a platform to share my testimony of what God has done in my life.

In Luke 13, Jesus chastises some of the people listening to him for holding the idea that their neighbours who were killed by Pilate or crushed in a tower collapse somehow earned this suffering by being especially sinful, instead asserting that all have sin and all need grace. Likewise, in John 9 when he comes across a blind man forced to beg for his livelihood, he again corrects those who ask if the man’s sin brought on his blindness, saying “It was not that this man sinned, or his parents, but that the works of God might be displayed in him.”

It was belief at that time that if someone was suffering, it was because they or someone close to them had sinned. This is still a commonly-held belief throughout the world today and in the Christian church. Yet, Jesus contradicts this, both by asserting that these peoples’ sin is no greater than the rest of ours, and bestowing the gift of sight on the blind man. Furthermore, as you read on, you see both the man accept & believe in Christ and the hypocrisy of his society (arguably the true source of his suffering) be exposed.

God brought so much good out of this situation. God can bring good out of the suffering so He can be praised and glorified, and so the world around can be changed for the better. In the passage it isn’t mentioned who was saved from this healing of the blind man, but we know it caused a stir. Perhaps his parents were saved, or even members of his town, similar to the testimony of the woman at the well. We don’t know, but we can certainly imagine.

God wants to do more good through the suffering than the suffering itself.

Our God is a good God. Even though we may be suffering, God doesn’t leave us to just suffer alone. He walks alongside us in the suffering, meaning he is in the suffering with us. We may never know what good can be drawn out of our pain and suffering but God does. He knows what we’re going through and he’s feeling the same thing as we are.

The clearest example of this is, of course, the crucifixion. As we watch Jesus be mocked, spit on, struck, whipped, and crushed under the weight of the cross, all before he even reaches Golgotha, we certainly see an ultimate picture of suffering. And yet, Jesus took on this weight of our sin to demonstrate his unimaginable love for us, so that we might reconcile and be in relationship with him. In an article on Desiring God called God’s Answer to Human Suffering: The Cross of Christ and Problem of Pain written by Brian Tabb puts it this way: “Christ’s crucifixion is the foundation and focus of the Christian understanding of suffering.” Jesus lets us know in Matthew 16:21 that his crucification is going to be suffering for himself “From that time on Jesus began to explain to his disciples that he must go to Jerusalem and suffer many things at the hands of the elders, the chief priests and the teachers of the law, and that he must be killed and on the third day be raised to life.” Even out of utter death and sorrow, God in Christ is able to bring about revolutionary, redemptive, resurrecting life.

We could learn many things through the passages of scripture we have seen thus far. We will all have suffering in our lives, but by the grace of God, God can pull life out of it. Jesus reminds us that we will suffer as Christians in John 16:33 “I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.” Though we are perishing, death does not have the last word.

So we get to speak on, and share the life that God has brought out of death with the world.

Joseph Scheumann writes that, for Christians, suffering should ideally both happen in community and equip us for ministry. If you’ve read any of this blog before, you’ve probably got an idea of how much I acclaim community. As a community, you can find support through people suffering through the same thing. With our co-suffering saviour as our example, we should not let our siblings suffer alone. Likewise, I can attest firsthand at the ways in which my own struggles–telling my parents about my faith, dealing with my learning disability, fighting depression and suicidal thoughts, and many more–can become stories of hope for the next generation, thanks to what God has done in them.

In my experience (and sort of the experience of most people in the Bible), you can spread so much good to others through sharing your story on how God has brought you through the suffering. In fact, I find that we most often draw close to God in times of suffering. James tells us in James 1:2-4 to “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” In the times where we feel the weakest, it is often easiest to acknowledge how limited our own strength is, and draw close to God. It is often out of these experiences that we can see most clearly His love for us, and power to change this world.

During these times of uncertainty, I often pray that I want this virus to go away. I certainly don’t think this is a bad request, but I know that as I’m praying it, I also so often forget to look for the ways that God is pulling life out of this pain. It’s like I’m scrunching my eyes shut so hard that I can’t even glimpse the light trying to break through.

I pray that God will bring more good from this virus than the bad itself. The bad parts are big and loud, so I know it may be hard to see past them to the small sprouts of good, but if you think about it, so much has happened this year. Parents got to spend more time with their kids. We all at least considered how to better spend time with our loved ones. One of the biggest social justice movements in recent memory swept social media and our streets while still remaining almost entirely safe and peaceful brought attention to voices that have long been ignored, and reminded us that Black lives do unequivocally, completely, and fully matter. We saw a dip in carbon emissions, but also saw how small our individual carbon footprints are, and how we must band together for institutional change. We were able to focus on essential workers–from doctors and nurses to restaurant employees and custodians–who make a difference each and everyday even day before this pandemic. Prayer and support groups are popping up as we find more creative ways to be there for each other without actually ‘being there.’, So many people picked up a new hobby (remember all the bread back in April?). And hopefully, we’ll be better prepared should a future pandemic come knocking. I bet you could add to this list with your own small sources of joy.

Oftentimes in the face of tragedy or even in a pandemic it’s hard to see past what’s happening right in front of us. As mentioned in YouVersion blog on Let’s Celebrate Good News, “Sometimes, we need to remember that we are not alone and that we still have a part to play in God’s plans. Our circumstances don’t cancel out God’s goodness. God is always doing unprecedented things, even during ‘unprecedented times.’”

I don’t know how hard this year has been for you. I know it’s been hard for me. But I serve a God who makes the blind see and the dead rise again, who brings rainbows after rain and sprouts out of fallen seeds, who brings miraculous life even out of my worst days, and who uses even those who have been told that they aren’t smart enough or capable enough all their lives to proclaim his good news. The fact that you’re reading this is a testimony to that. What will your testimony be?

To Raise a Village; or, Fostering Accountability and Growth in Our Communities

I’ve talked a lot about community on this platform.

Whether in terms of Christian friendship, the stretching of community that we have seen in the pandemic, or just how much I believe in the power of relationships to change the world, I think it should be pretty clear by now how highly I value our various attempts to know and love each other better together.

Likewise, I’ve never been shy to talk about how much of an impact community has had on my personal walk with Christ. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to explain just how much you have all meant to me–especially my church family at St. Andrew’s, my colleagues at Youth Unlimited, and my Christian friends from all walks of life, but also all of those who have been lights in my life only for a short time.

Unfortunately, I’m also all too aware that some of the communities that would welcome me have turned away others, by both word and deed. I don’t think I need to list the many ways that the community of believers has fallen short of its founder and perfecter; ask any non-Christian friend and they’ll surely be able to tell you at least one thing that, if it didn’t scare them off of Christianity entirely, has certainly helped to do so.

Come to think of it, I wrote that rhetorically, but maybe it’s not that bad an idea.

And it isn’t limited only to our churches. Our governments, organizations, institutions, and even families and friend groups all have areas in need of change to be more loving, healing, and sustaining–ergo, Christlike.

As Christians, we are told that we are ultimately accountable to God, and that, when we inevitably stumble as humans are prone to do, we have Christ as a gracious mediator, demonstrating his power and willingness to forgive and redeem, even on the cross. However, as Jesus’ life and ministry clearly demonstrate (see Matthew 18:15-17 or Matthew 7:3-5 for example), if we are to claim that the Kingdom of God is here and is coming, we also have to make ourselves accountable to each other here on Earth.

As serious as it is, accountability doesn’t have to be scary, because it’s more than just having to give a record of your transgressions–or at least it can.

In his letter to the Galatians, Paul writes that “if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently. But watch yourselves, or you also may be tempted. Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.” (Gal. 6:1-2). Yes there is some caution involved–in stressful situations it can often be tempting to fall into behaviours that prioritize our own fears over the needs of others–but overall, it is a message of grace and restoration.

Accountable communities can help one become more Christlike. They can be places of encouragement. They can be validating outlets for service, using your spiritual gifts to serve one another. They can be opportunities to co-construct knowledge and skills. They can also be places, sometimes, to follow Jesus’ example to share in one another’s suffering and pain, and just as often (sometimes at the same time) to share in joy.

Kamal, my girlfriend, is one such person who helps keep me accountable. When I share my goals, she will not hesitate to help keep me on track by following up with me, checking in on me, and motivating me to keep moving in the right direction. All the while, I know her efforts don’t come from a place of condemnation, but of confidence; she cares about me for who I am, and desires, as I do, for me to continue to grow, and, in this case, keep my commitments.

While each of us has our own choices, responsibilities, and weights to carry, and at certain times, we will have to carry them alone, but one goal of an accountable community is to lighten the burden for all. As the United Methodist Church’s Book of Discipline puts it, “support without accountability leads to moral weakness; accountability without support is a form of cruelty.”

Ultimately, the key to accountability is direction–what is the agreed goal of the community? Though Christians may differ on understandings and styles of worship, our direction as a church should always go towards Christ, and through Christ to the world. Likewise, as followers of Christ who participate in other communities in the world–whether they be nations, businesses, advocacy groups, families, workplaces, classrooms, you name it–we have a responsibility to model and advocate for a Christ-like love–in policy, behaviour, representation, speech, and character.

How would our churches, nations, and other communities be changed if we not only modeled a love that includes the marginalized, clothes the naked, cares for the sick, and stands with the disenfranchised, but also held each other in correction and encouragement to this kind of love? How would we be changed?

We need relationships that lead us to purpose. We need relationships that guide us by the love of Christ, not only our own interests. I personally think that to have a Godly community means to have people who aren’t perfect but their direction is set towards Jesus.

Fundamentally though, if our goal is restorative accountability, where we address issues head on before they can fester and do too much damage, we need to lead from a place of love and grace.

Our communities can be a place for fear, punishment, and isolation, or they can be a place of hope, growth, and communication. If we want the latter, perhaps we can follow the model of our Lord, who asks people from all walks of life to follow him, calls for righteousness nonetheless, and paves the way with forgiveness.

It takes a village to raise a village.

Editorial assistance provided by Laura Goslinski.

An Update on Our Absence

A lot has happened over the last several months but our God is still good.

I hope you have all been keeping safe and happy wherever you are. It’s been quite a while since we’ve posted here, for which we’d like to apologize. I don’t know about you, but I thought I would be less busy in this pandemic, but only ended up being moreso. We’ll be returning to our regular schedule this month, but before that, we wanted to give you a brief update about what we at Confessions from Crickets have been up to these past few months, and what our lives are looking like moving forward.

I, your beloved writer, have been keeping myself busy largely through my work with St. Andrew’s Scarborough (my home church), as even though it may look different, the church is still at work, and God is still making beautiful things come out of this pandemic.

The Youth Ministry committee (of which I am a part) was able to minister to more youth than normal through a variety of online platforms.We were able to host our annual summer camp in the beginning of July. We did of course have to be far more creative, masked, and physically distant than in previous years, but we were still able to meet in person and worship God safely with some of our younger ones. You can read our official recap and see some pictures here.

Given the situation, we thought we wouldn’t have many campers compared to previous years, but God proved us wrong and (with the help of some creative cohorting safety measures) we were able to exceed expectations and have the most participants that we have ever had. God was really able to work in ways that we couldn’t even imagine, and this summer, we saw one youth and one camper give their lives to Christ.

Confessions from Crickets’ Editor, Stephan, on the other hand, was hard at work with summer classes. Stephan is midway through his Masters of Teaching from the Ontario Institute of Studies in Education, for which he had summer courses (for the first time ever, and online to boot!). They were, to put it simply, stressful, especially as educators of all shapes and sizes grapple with how the pandemic has affected, and continues to affect, schooling. Last week, Stephan entered his final year of teacher’s college (with even more online classes!), so if you want a soon-to-be teacher’s opinions on the state of education in Ontario, well, he’s certainly got some.

This month, I’ve entered into a new chapter in my life. I have returned to school for the first time since I graduated from George Brown’s Child and Youth Care program last June, this time studying Biblical Studies and Theology at Tyndale University. I’m excited to have the opportunity to study Christ’s teachings in a new way, surrounded by like minded scholars, and have been fortunate to receive a lot of support from my church family and friends..

I will also be entering into a one year internship with Youth Unlimited. This is also an exciting opportunity for me, as Youth Unlimited is a place where I would like to work full time in the near future and this is one step closer to that goal. In this position, I’ll get experience in various ministry positions, receive training and spiritual encouragement, and tackle the rewarding challenge of building connections with my own community for spiritual and financial support (Youth Unlimited is a non-profit organization which relies on community partnership to finance salaries and operations).

The reason why I want to work for Youth Unlimited, and why I love the organization so much, is because it was their disciple making that helped change my life; I came to know Alain Virgin, one of their staff, who helped lead me to follow Christ. Youth Unlimited’s vision is to see each transformed youth transform their city. I want to be a part of that vision and help facilitate the kind of change that happened in me. If you’d like to support me on this journey with Youth Unlimited. Please feel free to contact me at kkrish@yugta.ca or 416-907-4751, or to learn more, read my support letter here or visit the YU Ministry page for more updates as I continue through my internship.

And that’s about it. Thank you so much for supporting Confessions from Crickets, and being patient with us in this time of global and personal transition. The waiting period is almost over, and we will soon have a new regular post for your reading pleasure.. Until then, stay safe, wear a mask, and keep an eye out for the wonderful things that God is still doing in this crazy world.

Emotional Ministry; or, When You Don’t Understand How You Feel

Imagine living in a world where you just don’t understand how you feel. Imagine, in this world, that no matter how you try, you just can’t quite express your emotions in a way that makes sense. For some of us, this isn’t some alien reality. For some of us–and for me–that’s just the world we live in.

The majority of the time I really struggle with both understanding and expressing my emotions, and unfortunately, that’s something that I’ve been living with and learning to overcome for most of my life.

It’s not news; my emotional literacy is as much of a work in progress as my verbal literacy has been for so many years. The backstory is that, for me, growing up I didn’t have a lot of chances to practice expressing my emotions and feelings to anyone. I was raised in a family where we were very closed off with one another. We wouldn’t talk about how we felt or give labels to our emotions, which made it very difficult for me to process them, even when I had the chance.

Over the past several weeks, I had a lot of time to reflect and just take moments to think, given we’re all in quarantine and some of us have a lot of time on our hands. What I came to realize is that I need to start being open, honest, and vulnerable about my emotions and feelings.

Even with God.

Especially with God.

It’s been a bit of a theme in the last couple posts–those that were written and published during the pandemic–that I’ve been thinking about prayer. In “Letters from Isolation” I discussed building community and being reflective on how God speaks to us, and in “Pathways of Listening” I talked about the often difficult, but beautiful experience of being in conversation with God, but the actual act of praying has long been something that I really struggle with.

I didn’t realize this was a problem until a few weeks ago, because, while I had wanted my prayer life to improve for a long time, I came to realize that a huge part of that was sharing my feelings with God and surrendering those emotions to him. This realization came when I was reading a book called The Kneeling Christian by Albert Ernest Richardson. “Yet many people do not trouble to bring even the little details of their own lives to God in prayer,”¹ Richardson writes–a situation I am very familiar with.

If it’s so difficult for me to understand how I am feeling, forming it in my mind in a way that makes enough sense to express to God is an Olympian task. I’ve recently been learning how damaging it can be to not be open about my feelings and emotions with friends and family, so I want to make sure I can also express them to God.

When meeting with Alain and Kamal recently, I was sharing my experience with emotions and prayer, and Alain read from a passage in Romans 8. From that passage, verse 26 really stood out to me: “In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans.” That hit really close to home.

One way I express my feelings when everything is built up is by pouring my heart to God by crying, of which I described an example in my last post. I feel like God hears my cries and wipes those tears from my eyes and comforts me. He’s there right beside me and I draw closer to Him during this time.

I don’t express my feelings just by crying; if I did, that would mean I wouldn’t do a lot other than cry. I express my emotions by writing (like the blog you’re reading right now, which fortunately has an editor to help sort my thoughts), singing worship music, and getting out of my little bubble by going on walks or bike rides. But when I really reach a point where I feel like I’m going to break down and I need to open up to God, it is through tears that I break down to God.

When I cry out to God, it feels like all my emotions and feelings are being lifted up to him, despite the fact that I can’t really piece them apart for myself. I know God always listens to me, but it’s in those moments where I feel it most acutely. I escape reality when I cry out to God; I feel the wonder of his courts and the warmth of God’s encouragement, like He’s telling me He’s got my back. As much as tears are often associated with sadness or frustration, I actually cry a lot when I feel thankful because, honestly, words can’t describe how I feel. It’s like a spiritual high with God, if that makes sense. That’s the power of God. Anything is possible through Him; it’s crazy to think but it’s true. I’m grateful to have a God like Him. He’s changed me into a new person–a person I could never imagine I could be.

This reminds of the story in the bible found in Luke 7:36-50 where a woman wet Jesus’ feet with her tears and wiped it with her hair and then poured perfume on it. The text tells us that she was a “woman who lived a sinful life” and some of our modern Bibles will also introduce the text with a (non-inspired) that identifies her as ‘A Sinful Woman.’ However, we see that this emotional moment is not just about her sin, but is rather about her joy at the perfect redemptive love of Christ. I can’t imagine what confusing mix of emotions would have been dancing and tripping through her body, but I do know that Jesus didn’t tell her to stop and compose herself. He understood her and accepted her as she was, dripping with confused tears for a love beyond understanding.

Despite a penchant for the purely intellectual that crops up from time to time in Christian cultures, we can see that our feelings are valid because our role model or our saviour had them as well. On many occasions Jesus wept, felt joy, sorrow, compassion, anger, exhaustion, frustration, and empathy. John 11:35 shows that, as a crier, I’m in good company, and if Jesus’ prayer in Gethsemane is any indication, the times when he “often withdrew to lonely places and prayed” were likely emotional exchanges.

I’m still not the best at understanding my own emotions, or relating them in a way that others can understand. But I’ve learned that even in my own confusion, God always understands. As such, I just wanted to provide a word of encouragement to everyone (such words are my love language after all). It seems like I have seen myself saying this throughout this pandemic in my personal life, so I want to make it clear here that whatever you’re feeling right now is valid. It’s okay to be sad, scared, or frustrated, happy, peaceful, or joyful, something in between or something you can’t put a finger on. Even if you aren’t or don’t know how to feel or express your emotion, that’s alright. God already knows how we are feeling and still loves us at the end of the day.

Talk to Him, talk to each other, and let whatever you’re feeling spur you on to better connection, better action, and better love.

¹ Unknown Christian (attributed to Albert Ernest Richardson), The Kneeling Christian, (Original publisher unknown, before 1930; Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 1977), 29. Citations refer to the Zondervan edition, available here.

A Statement on Institutionalized Racism and the Demands of Justice

In the past week, a wave of vocal outrage and just anger has been kindled in many of our communities due in part to the unjust killing of George Floyd and the suspicious death of Regis Korchinski-Paquet. Yet, if we are being honest with ourselves, this is less a new spark than it is the smoldering of a long dampened branch. Black people, Indigenous people, and other people of colour (often collectively referred to as BIPOC) have been crying out against the violence being done against them for far longer than those of us who are privileged enough to not personally face this violence have been listening.

At Confessions from Crickets, our editorial team is composed of a South Asian man and a White man, so we have our own relationships with various types of privilege, biases and trauma, and we are very aware that a large portion of our readers come from places of privilege as well. Privilege doesn’t mean that your life has been without struggle or hardship, but rather that certain parts of our identities grant us benefits that we often don’t even realize. In the context of racism, this means that, even with the best intentions, we often do not know or do not realize the ways our actions, or lack of action, affects BIPOC individuals and communities, often in very damaging ways.

Many of us are angry and sad about the injustices that we have seen this week, and one of the benefits that our privilege allows us is silence. We refuse to be silent, to accept a negative peace that prefers comfortable order over uncomfortable justice. Following the black voices that rightfully began and continue to helm this fight against injustice, we who have privilege must talk about the violence being done to black people; we must hold our friends, family, and neighbours accountable for the way they talk about black people, whether it’s on social media, around the dinner table, or anywhere; we must petition those in seats of power–politicians, business owners, police unions, trustees, pastors, and more–to act in ways that are not just non racist but actively anti-racist; we must realize that we also have power, and so we also must act in ways that are not just non racist but actively anti-racist.

We who are privileged have the benefit of being silent now. We must refuse. We have the benefit of dropping into silence once the news cycle loses attention on George and Regis. We must refuse.

We at Confessions from Crickets chose to make this short statement now to stand in solidarity with the thousands crying out for change now. This isn’t the end of our part in this conversation, and we’ll be carefully considering how to address these ongoing issues and our own privilege in a more substantial manner. It is not time for those of us with privilege to take the lead; it is time to listen, learn, become more aware of the ways that we may do harm without knowing it, but also to not let our genuine anxiety of failure paralyse us into silence.

The Lord calls us to “learn to do right; seek justice. Defend the oppressed” (Isaiah 1:15a). Understanding our own part in systems of racism and how we can do right, seek justice, and defend the oppressed is a very hard thing to do, and will take a lifetime of humility and repentance. But we are not alone in this. We have a great cloud of witnesses from whom we can be educated and inspired (see below for some examples), and we have Christ, our redeemer and sustainer, who reminds us of the good news that though we participate in the power of death in this world, there is a greater power in the one who has overcome the world, one in which we are called to take part. We must answer that call.

Resources for Educating Yourself

Resources for Supporting BIPOC Communities and Anti-Racism Efforts

Megalist of Canada-Specific Resources

Pathways of Listening; or, Focusing on God’s Presence

Imagine the closeness we have with our best friend, our significant other, family member, or even girlfriend or boyfriend. We all talk to them on a frequent basis, we spend time with them, and even when we’re away (as most of us know acutely right now), we long to be near them, to even hear their voice.

But what about God?

Does our relationship with Him fit that statement? It should–it fact it should exceed it–but in this life, that kind of relationship is easier said than had. Yet, we can’t just pick up the phone and call Him. We can’t get Him on FaceTime. We have prayer and Scripture, which are our first, best tools to connect to God and understand the revelation of His word in Christ. At the same time, I expect many of us are familiar with the idea of hearing God’s voice or feeling His presence.

What does hearing God’s voice entail? Am I talking about hearing God speaking in an audible voice? I haven’t personally experienced that, but who knows, right? Realistically, I’m not the one to define exactly what this does look like, but I can tell you my experience.

In a conversation I had with Kamal during this social distancing period, I brought up the idea that God might be hard to hear or might seem far away from us during this time, but in reality He is always near to us and we are the ones that are distant from Him.

I’m of course not trying to imply like some are that the virus is some sort of judgement or celestial reckoning. In fact, I believe exactly the contrary. Through all the pain and disarray of this life, whether it is particularly focused like this virus or mundane and everyday, God has come to be with us even before we fully know how to be with Him.

God is always working in our life and always trying to communicate with us, but I find it sometimes challenging to hear his voice amidst the noises in our life, especially during these uncertain times.

One of my favourite verses in Joshua reminds that God will always be with me wherever I go. “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go” (Joshua 1:9) Likewise, in John 16:33, Jesus tells us “in this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” In times of trouble like this, let us look to the overcomer, who is with us wherever we go.

I definitely think that these are the times we should try to draw closer to God even more, because it reminds us where our strength is found. I think hearing His voice often entails taking time to reflect, have patience and being open to hearing from Him whether it be through community, scripture reading, or prayer.

I’ve been fortunate to feel the presence of God many times throughout my life, but one moment that I remember vividly happened during REMIX 2016. It was probably because of this encounter that I took a dive into my faith and decided to really follow Christ.

During one of the evening sessions, I started crying, like the usual cryer I am. This time though, it felt different. It felt like I was crying a bucket of tears, and God was catching every one, letting none fall to the floor. I felt His presence and His hand on my shoulder. I felt with each tear, God was encouraging me, and that maybe God knew that was how I needed to be met. It was a cry for change, but also of change, with Christ as my shepherd, leading me to new pastures.

Hearing God’s voice impacted my life because, while I know we’re all broken and we’re all sinners, the perfect God is still speaking healing and comfort to me. It’s like getting advice and He knows me better than I know myself.

Oftentimes, I also hear His voice when listening to worship music. I start crying and getting emotional–not in the sense of sadness but rather because of joy. I know that’s not unique to my experience, but at those moments I really feel I can be vulnerable and open with God. Of course I know that we should always be vulnerable before Him, open to His understanding eyes; in those moments, I am reminded of how acutely the noise of my life gets in the way when I don’t have the focusing medium of music.

God is always looking to communicate with us but are we open to seeing that? When I became a Christian I didn’t really hear much of God’s voice and didn’t feel closeness to God. For a period of about a year, nothing changed in my life. I was the same person before I became a Christian–I wasn’t praying, I wasn’t reading my Bible–I felt my life hadn’t changed much. It took time to hear His voice, to understand what His presence feels like, and to develop pathways of listening.

As mentioned in my previous blog post, we all long to seek for community during these trying times. I think we should more importantly seek closeness and oneness with God during this time because our hope should only be in Him.

Periods of great change and struggle can be opportunities for us to rely on our own strength and burn out, or wait on God and grow closer to Him. This of course, isn’t easy, and can be very spiritually stretching. It should be our goal in this period to grow in our relationship with Him, but don’t be surprised if you feel strain in your spiritual muscles, especially if intentional listening is new to you. Like any good workout, the peace in the afterglow is enough to know the strain was worth it.

One of my favourite verses in the bible perfectly illustrated how I want to spend my time in quarantine. When the disciples of John the Baptist, who has signaled the coming of Jesus, came to him, concerned that Jesus was drawing away his fame, John said that “He must become greater; I must become less” (John 3:30). I want to use every situation of my life–the good and the bad, the same and the changing–to share the overwhelming love of God. I can’t stress this enough but we need to seek God even more during these desperate times because our hope can only be found in Jesus. This is not about fear, but about encouragement; we do not have to fear loneliness, sickness, division, or pain. We have hope because our hope is placed in Jesus, the prince of peace and lord over everything this world could throw at us..

Some questions to think about or discuss with your loved ones:

How do you hear God’s voice in the midst during these times?
When have you felt most close to God?

Letters from Isolation; or, Confessions of a Community Seeker

Content Warning: Discussion of COVID-19/Coronavirus. Jump to the bottom for a prayer and some support & community building resources.

During these times of uncertainty, many of you may feel isolated. Many of you are probably not working or have been laid off, aren’t going to school or just aren’t going out, period, and seem to have a lot of spare time on your hands. It may feel like life is on pause at the moment, or that you are even more busy in strange, unexpected ways. Many of you are probably sad that you can’t see loved ones, or are reaching the end of your rope with the ones sharing your house.

I want to let you know, you’re not in this alone.

If you know me, there are two things you’ll probably have learned by now. Number 1, I like to keep busy, and number 2, I’m an extrovert. I need to be moving and I need people. I’m not a big fan of the indoors or staying home, which makes our current situation extremely challenging, but I do know this is for all of our health and safety.

So I’ve been reading the Bible, watching sermons on Youtube, writing and reflecting, watching faith based movies, participating in prayer groups–I even started a small life group with few friends. As I’m sure I’m not the only person to tell you, this can be a great opportunity to draw closer to God by using this time to be still and work on spiritual disciplines like prayer, Bible reading, and fasting. However, it’s at least my experience that community is a fundamental part of our walk with Christ, so what do we do when a virus pulls the rug out from under our feet?

To be honest, I have been longing for community–even before I found myself in self-isolation.

When I say community, what I normally think about is people my own age that are like-minded Christians, getting together in a large group setting, like maybe a young adults group. Yet, as some of you may know, my church St. Andrew’s Presbrtyertian Church Scarbrough doesn’t have a huge young adults demographic, which is hard for the few young adults that do go to the church. After talking to some spiritual leaders in my life about how God placed me in this church for a reason, I began to see the definition of community differently. I was “in community” all my Christian walk, but I really was not taking notice of it.

Pastors Duncan Cameron and Monica McClure at my church put it into a good perspective:

“What is the Church? Is it merely a building where people gather once or twice a week? Or is it something else? Why do we say the Church is open, if the building is closed?

Rather than asking “what is the Church,” perhaps a more appropriate question to ask is “who is the Church?” For the Church has never actually been a building…rather the Church is a living body…a group of people who put their trust and hope in Jesus and who follow him…a group of people whose mission it is to tell the whole world about Jesus and what he has done for each of us at the cross.”

Our church is a community of fellow believers gathering for fellowship. In these times we have to be the body of Christ and be there for one another. After all, “two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed” (Ecclesiastes 4:9).

Community can be done in any size, whether it be one on one, a small group or large group setting. Community looks differently for different people; I’m pretty sure that community might look different for an introvert versus an extrovert.

During this time of hardship, many of us have been finding creative ways to create community. Community is beginning to look a lot different for us than it did 3 weeks ago. It doesn’t mean meeting in a physical building any more. The way we see community is beginning to change.

God never intended us to live life alone. In Acts 2:42 says the believers were “devoted to fellowship,” and in verse 46, it starts to tell us a little bit about what this looked like: “they worshiped together at the Temple each day, met in homes for the Lord’s Supper, and shared their meals with great joy and generosity.” God never intended us to live life alone, but what should we do if we can’t worship in the Temple or eat together?

I sent out pretty much that question to our readers on Instagram stories, and personally to some of my Christians friends. I heard a lot about WhatsApp Groups with Friends and Video Chats, spending time with family and Facetime, various types of social media, and of course the ever present Zoom. I’ve also heard just how hard it is to figure out just how to make these options work.

Personally, it didn’t hit until recently that this might be longer than it seems. I hope it honestly isn’t, but none of this is in my hands. As I am socially distancing at the moment. The person I miss the most is Kamal, the love of my life. It’s hard, because as of yesterday it’s been the longest time we have been apart from each other. I know it’s been hard for her as well. I wish I could just give her a big hug.

Community is never easy. For as many passages like Acts 2:42 where we see the early church worshipping together, we have many more where we feel the pangs of distance. There’s a reason the New Testament is composed entirely of letters. We see in the examples of Paul, Peter, John, Luke, and many more that the church is either moving too quickly or spreading too wide for it ever to fit in one upper room again.

Conversely, we see people like Paul and John writing from places of isolation–Paul was, like, perpetually in prison. While they longed to see their beloved brothers and sisters again (see the beginning or end of basically any of Paul’s letters for examples of this), they could see the opportunities presented in their trials. In Philippians 1 he writes,

“And I want you to know, my dear brothers and sisters, that everything that has happened to me here has helped to spread the Good News. For everyone here, including the whole palace guard,knows that I am in chains because of Christ. And because of my imprisonment, most of the believers here have gained confidence and boldly speak God’s message without fear.”

Maybe for some of us–particularly those of us who are privileged enough to be able to take these kinds of connections for granted–God is reminding us to take a moment to breathe and spend time with those who are nearest and not always dearest. I hate to admit this, but I sometimes neglect spending time with my family because, as many of you know, my family is not Christian and they don’t see with the same lens I see with.

For others, this may be an opportunity to rethink the ways that we communicate online, and how we can use our digital presence to spread love even when we are finally able to meet in public again. Conversely, for some, this might be a chance to reflect on the structures that we lean on or lean into that are not as sturdy as we thought, or are allowing us to be complacent about those around us who are always isolated, marginalized, or alone. Maybe this will be a time where we learn to band together in ways we never had.

Or maybe…I don’t know? What have you been learning? What do you want to learn? Moreover, who do you want to teach by your example?

We’re approaching Easter, and though we won’t be in our church buildings to celebrate it, we will be in our church. Let us remember that ours is a God of resurrection. If he could bring life out of death and salvation out of the cross, he can certainly bring community out of isolation, and growth out of this virus.

I just want to share a quick prayer before signing off on this post.

Dear Heavenly Father,

I want to take this time to thank you for all that you have done and all that you will do. I ask that you help us during this challenging time. I ask that you help us see the light in the darkness and joy in the sorrow, but also help us find community in the way we need it the most Lord. I ask that you help the people that are finding it hard during this time including myself. Let this be an opportunity to draw closer to you.

I pray for the healthcare professionals that are working day in and day out, that you be with them, that they find comfort in you, and that they’ll get rest. I pray for the people that have been tested positive for COVID-19, for your healing, and that your will will be done, and that the Holy Spirit guides each one of these individuals. May this be a time that they may draw closer to you.

In the name of your son, our healer and sustainer, Jesus Christ, I pray,

Amen

Below are some things that have been helpful to me in my own isolation, including Bible passages, sermons (both live and recorded), and some other resources.

One main one is our new FlipGrid community board where you have the opportunity to hear from others in our community, and have your voice heard. FlipGrid is a video response program, available as both a browser-based application and an app for Apple and Android products, where users can create and respond to short videos talking about, well, whatever they want. We wanted to be able to see your wonderful faces and provide a way to interact, even though we’re so far apart. There are already a couple discussion topics up there, so why not give it a try!

Additionally, here are some Bible passages that have been helpful to me throughout this time:

1 John 1:7
Matthew 18:20
Proverbs 27:17
Psalm 133:1
Matthew 6:27
Philippians 4:6-7
James 1:2-4
‭‭Psalms‬ ‭46:1-2‬ ‭NIV‬‬
Hebrews‬ ‭13:5-6‬

If you’re looking to follow a more structured plan, Melville Presbyterian Church is currently running a Bible Reading Challenge through the book of Mark. You can sign up for emails about that by contacting info@melvillechurch.ca.

If you’re looking for some Sunday worship, live streamed directly to you, why not check out Sanctus Church, Transformation Church, or find a complete list of all Presbyterian Church in Canada live streams here.

If you’re looking for some recorded sermons, why not check out my home church, St. Andrew’s Scarborough.

If you’re looking for someone to pray with, myself and some of my good friends will be holding prayer sessions every Tuesday and Thursday via Google Hangouts from 3:00 PM – 4:00 PM (join here).

Finally, if you’d like to talk or in need of prayer please feel free to email me at kirushanthan.krish@gmail.com, call me at (416)-907-475, or send us a message on Instagram. We’re here to take on these unprecedented times together as a community.